1. |
Look Out
01:42
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Well he rides bikes
And he works nights
He's drinking Narragansett
but he won't burp twice
You might see him filling up at the gas pump
Or jerking off while he drives past a school bus
His peanut butter jar riding shotgun
Cuz "it's alright"
Look out, it's Witmer
Hide your mom and your sister
Look out, and while you're at it
Hide your peanut butter
Look out, it's Witmer
Hide your dad and your sister's dad
And while you're at it
Hide your turkey bags
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2. |
The Ballad of Witmer
03:09
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The last time he shaved
Bernie Mac was alive and well
His room's got a lot of character
though it looks like a prison cell
Hasn't washed those sheets before
so it smells like a horse's stable
He's got five different kinds of peanut butter
sitting on the coffee table
He thinks stealing bikes
should be a capital offense
He says "Citizen Kane was pretty cool
but it could've used more suspense"
He's talking to a webcam girl
about Emerson and Thoreau
Hasn't left the apartment for days
Oh Witmer, it's time to go
His Honda got booted
after he failed to pay the state
The officials tried to contact him
but he was on a Tinder date
When he saw it there
he nearly had a heart attack
He spent his last buck on a used copy
of the "Annie" soundtrack
You can find him at a kid's Foot Locker
or at the taco truck
He'll wear his headlamp to the club
I mean he just don't give a fuck
And he's taken to wearing a diaper
he says it makes him feel young again
It's Witmer, he's his own man
and I'm glad that he's my friend
But Witmer, it's time to change your diaper!
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3. |
Matt Witmer's Dream
01:55
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Sitting in traffic on Houston Street
I see a twelve year old girl that I'd like to meet
Take her to my place and rub peanut butter on her feet
In my room she won't be able to stand
she'll feel like Anne Frank in Amsterdam
We'll lay in bed and watch American Sniper
before she leaves I'll have her change my diaper
She won't put out, but hey that's cool
I'll have to drive her back
before recess gets out at school
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4. |
Peanut Butter
02:00
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I heard you knockin' on my bedroom door
We're out of Skippy, should I get some more?
Oh, peanut butter!
I quit my job and I hit the road
This PB addiction is a heavy load
Oh, peanut butter!
If it's Jif, Skippy, or Peter Pan
Forget the spoon, I'll take it by the hand
And give me milk to keep from
Choking myself to death
I've seen the Skippy and the damage done
A little part of it in everyone
But now Costco's selling 2 for 1
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5. |
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Leaves his eggs outside of the fridge
So he can fit more peanut butter in
You could salmonella's not a fear of his
Lives his life without regret
Even when he's stealing someone else's cigarettes
Cuz "jerkin off ain't the only thing in life that's free"
He'll slap your iPhone from your hand
Eating Chef Boyardee from the can
Witmer, we're worried about your habits
The IRS can't touch him cuz he's paid in cash
He better spend some of that money on a cream for his rash
Cuz it's spreading from his ankle to his nether parts
Smallest bladder this side of Peter Dinklage
But don't ask him about white privilege
Cuz he's been known to take a dump on your floor
And he knows how to fight
He bikes home through every red light
Witmer, you're taking more than you can give
Watching seven films a day
Molly E****'s on her way
Witmer, we're dying just to see you live
Finding poop in places strange
Witmer, don't ever change
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6. |
||||
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Witmer's on a Tinder date
It's really something to celebrate
Hope the girl don't end up like Sharon Tate
Hope they don't get into a debate
about Jung, Lacan, and Freud
She won't be impressed by his intellect
She'll just get annoyed
Oh Witmer, don't tell her that you're "funemployed"
Turkey out of a Ziploc bag
Molly E**** on your heel
Texas highways are such a drag
Jerkin off behind the wheel
Oh Witmer, good luck with that Tinder date
Do your best not to masturbate
Hope it can alleviate
Some of your pain inside
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Tableau Vivant New York, New York
Tableau Vivant was formed in the dog days of a suburban New Jersey summer. Our music harkens back to that paradise of dampness and silence: to afternoons spent recumbent in grasses of various greens and to sleepless nights spent on inflatable mattresses and alien floorboards. ... more
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